Saturday, July 14, 2012

Thorny Issues

My contemplation of vampires will continue soon with Vampires and Evil, A Vampire's Soul, and The Monogamous Vampire, which kind of ties in with the following:

Usually listen to NPR, but got wild the other morning on the way to the gym and landed on a station where a woman was being questioned by the DJ regarding her fiancé to whom she had been engaged for six years.

"Why so long? I mean why have you waited so long to get married?"

"Good question. I don't know . . . we just haven't gotten around to it."

"But he seems different lately?"

"Yeah," she answers in a forlorn voice.

"Is he coming home later? Taking showers before he gets in bed? Dressing differently?"

Yes to all of the above, with the co-DJ, a woman, breaking in with: "Taking a shower before bed is cool."

The DJ verifies that the caller wants to proceed.

“Yes,” she says, “do it.”

We hear a telephone ringing, and a man answers. A girlish voice, soft and not demanding, asks for the fiancé by name.

“That’s me,” he says, all happy-go-lucky.

She offers him a dozen free roses, and free delivery to the person of his choice. At first he tries to get off the phone suspecting a sales gimmick; he doesn’t sound so happy anymore, just bored.

“We’re not even going to ask for a credit card,” she tells him, “and you can send a personal note. Who would you like to send the roses to?”

BAMMO! No surprise he gives a name that is not even remotely close to his fiancée’s
name, but at least he’s back to sounding lucky again. He composes a hopeful note on the spot: Julie, the other night was great. I hope we get together again.

At this point the DJ breaks it to let him know he's busted, and he's like, "Wha . . . !!!"

His fiancée calls him a cheat, and he says, "Well, what about you and Javier?"

"That was a long time ago," she says, "you've been cheating on me NOW!"

"Same thing," he says, "you then, me now."

The DJ pipes in: "So you're saying that Julie is payback for Javier?"

Fiancée screams: "It's not the same!"

Fiancé yells: "I hope your parents are listening."

I arrived at my destination and didn’t get to hear the wrap-up of this radio drama. Because of my NPR news addiction, I was unaware that this program, Ryan's Roses is a regular feature.

Should a vampire answer their own phone, he or she would never get sucked in by this ruse. If you get the call, do the smart thing and send the flowers to your Mom.

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